Movies and Films
This is the forum for Movie and Film discussions. Again, our topic is naval warfare in WWII for the most part.
If Das Boot was made in Hollywood (Humor)
Posted by:
Daryl Carpenter
()
Date: March 09, 2001 07:21PM
<HTML>
Director Alan Smithee to direct the \"ultimate submarine movie\"
HOLLYWOOD, CA--- Acclaimed director Alan Smithee has now begun his production of the \"ultimate inauthentic submarine movie\", based loosely on Lothar Gunther Bucheims’s Das Boot but somehow still maintaining it’s title. The director states that he \"took painstaking effort\" to make the film \"as true to reality as possible\".
\"I couldn’t believe it\" says the director. \"The Type VII U-boat’s interior was only ten feet wide. You can’t have something like that when you’re working with Robert Redford. Redford wouldn’t play the captain until the set was \"at least\" 25 feet wide. This is a fairly minor change, and we have Redford onboard now\".
\"It’s a descent into horror\" says Redford. \"I couldn’t believe the crap I was being put through.\" \"First, the air conditioning break down about once every two days. I would get all sweaty, and the makeup guys would have to come and dry me off. I had to spend eight hours cooped up in that little \"set from hell\" between makeup reapplications. Then they made me shave every two days. And finally, this dress uniform they supplied me is really chafing.\"
Smithee’s Das Boot will feature dramatic new film-making techniques. In order to simulate heavy seas, the camera is moved up and down. In a depth charge attack, it will be shaken madly. To simulate the conning tower during a major storm, stagehands will splash buckets of water all over the set. \"amazingly realistic\" proclaimed Smithee.
\"We’ve taken major concessions for the actor’s comfort\", says the director. \"Although the sleeping quarters are fairly realistic, most of the guys on the set insisted five-star accommodations at the local Hilton. We’re paying $10,000 a night to keep everybody well fed and rested, in order to simulate actual conditions on a real U-boat. Midway through filming, the local Hilton closed for renovations, and we had to stop filming, and rebuild the set to make room for enough bunks for all fifty actors.\"
\"One of the worst parts of the U-boat war was the lack of space for provisions. The meat we bought starting rotting in about a week. We keep on having to buy new food. It’s costing a fortune. They want $7.50 a pound for their best steak. Am I made out of money, or something?
\"We had a few old life boats sitting around, so we decided to throw in a scene where the evil German submarine machine guns survivors. Yes, it only happened once during the war, and by accident, but one out of 2,800 is a fairly large fraction, after all.\" Right after U-96 leaves port, it comes across a convoy of British battleships, and sinks three of them. The rest of the story is a well-kept secret, but it involves a British spy, a love triangle, a thrilling escape to Argentina, the sabotage of a French resistance group, and an eight-minute long car chase. U-96 sinks the entire American fleet at Gibraltar, is severely damaged, and it’s electric motors are knocked out of action. But they are saved in the nick of time by the diesal engines, which lift them from the ocean floor. The final scene will be a 23-minute long extravaganza, in which the entire port of La Rochelle is actually destroyed; It is said to say \"that war is bad.\"
Alan Smithee is enthusiastic about the project, and has hired the young Jonathan Mostow as his executive producer. \"He’s inept, but he knows what he’s doing.\" Smithee isn’t pleased with the studios vision of Das Boot, however, and he will produce a special director’s cut, which features and hour of new death camp footage and love scenes.
\"Das Boot\" will continue the tradition of super-accurate war films that goes back to Operation Burma, and will provide audiences of all ages with much needed \"fun, wholesome evil nazi-stereotype massacre super-realistic war movie fluff.\"
</HTML>
Director Alan Smithee to direct the \"ultimate submarine movie\"
HOLLYWOOD, CA--- Acclaimed director Alan Smithee has now begun his production of the \"ultimate inauthentic submarine movie\", based loosely on Lothar Gunther Bucheims’s Das Boot but somehow still maintaining it’s title. The director states that he \"took painstaking effort\" to make the film \"as true to reality as possible\".
\"I couldn’t believe it\" says the director. \"The Type VII U-boat’s interior was only ten feet wide. You can’t have something like that when you’re working with Robert Redford. Redford wouldn’t play the captain until the set was \"at least\" 25 feet wide. This is a fairly minor change, and we have Redford onboard now\".
\"It’s a descent into horror\" says Redford. \"I couldn’t believe the crap I was being put through.\" \"First, the air conditioning break down about once every two days. I would get all sweaty, and the makeup guys would have to come and dry me off. I had to spend eight hours cooped up in that little \"set from hell\" between makeup reapplications. Then they made me shave every two days. And finally, this dress uniform they supplied me is really chafing.\"
Smithee’s Das Boot will feature dramatic new film-making techniques. In order to simulate heavy seas, the camera is moved up and down. In a depth charge attack, it will be shaken madly. To simulate the conning tower during a major storm, stagehands will splash buckets of water all over the set. \"amazingly realistic\" proclaimed Smithee.
\"We’ve taken major concessions for the actor’s comfort\", says the director. \"Although the sleeping quarters are fairly realistic, most of the guys on the set insisted five-star accommodations at the local Hilton. We’re paying $10,000 a night to keep everybody well fed and rested, in order to simulate actual conditions on a real U-boat. Midway through filming, the local Hilton closed for renovations, and we had to stop filming, and rebuild the set to make room for enough bunks for all fifty actors.\"
\"One of the worst parts of the U-boat war was the lack of space for provisions. The meat we bought starting rotting in about a week. We keep on having to buy new food. It’s costing a fortune. They want $7.50 a pound for their best steak. Am I made out of money, or something?
\"We had a few old life boats sitting around, so we decided to throw in a scene where the evil German submarine machine guns survivors. Yes, it only happened once during the war, and by accident, but one out of 2,800 is a fairly large fraction, after all.\" Right after U-96 leaves port, it comes across a convoy of British battleships, and sinks three of them. The rest of the story is a well-kept secret, but it involves a British spy, a love triangle, a thrilling escape to Argentina, the sabotage of a French resistance group, and an eight-minute long car chase. U-96 sinks the entire American fleet at Gibraltar, is severely damaged, and it’s electric motors are knocked out of action. But they are saved in the nick of time by the diesal engines, which lift them from the ocean floor. The final scene will be a 23-minute long extravaganza, in which the entire port of La Rochelle is actually destroyed; It is said to say \"that war is bad.\"
Alan Smithee is enthusiastic about the project, and has hired the young Jonathan Mostow as his executive producer. \"He’s inept, but he knows what he’s doing.\" Smithee isn’t pleased with the studios vision of Das Boot, however, and he will produce a special director’s cut, which features and hour of new death camp footage and love scenes.
\"Das Boot\" will continue the tradition of super-accurate war films that goes back to Operation Burma, and will provide audiences of all ages with much needed \"fun, wholesome evil nazi-stereotype massacre super-realistic war movie fluff.\"
</HTML>
| Subject | Written By | Posted |
|---|---|---|
If Das Boot was made in Hollywood (Humor)
|
Daryl Carpenter | 03/09/2001 07:21PM |
|
RE: If Das Boot was made in Hollywood (Humor)
|
Frank | 03/10/2001 09:07PM |
|
RE: If Das Boot was made in Hollywood (Humor)
|
Ian Stapley | 03/24/2001 02:09PM |